throwback number two.

 i was reading my old xanga entries and i’m getting super emotional….
but i thought this entry was somewhat sooooooo deep for a 7th grader.

I wrote this on Jan 06…

 

entering the so called “teenage life”, i didn’t think it would be that much of a struggle. and going to the “jr” part of high school.. didn’t take it in that serious either. but school is a place where it drags you away from God. like nancy said, you only like to showoff yourself and try to impress you and your friends at school. and then without even noticing, i was digging a hole for myself. i started cursing, forced myself into dramas, and so much more things. i thought i was good cause i got As in first quarter and what can i say, i think i was too confident with myself. got caught up so much with friends, cared so much to impress them and acted so weird and junks.. although i knew i won’t put my best effort in, i said i wanted to get A honor roll second quarter. right now, i’m about to get straight Bs. yeah.. so i kept digging and digging until i got to the point where i realized i couldn’t get out. and God gave me a person to talk to about this. and that person went through and although we went through the same thing, we both have different personalities so seeing this struggles from other person’s view and my view… putting our thougths together made a great solution for me. because of that talk, i climbed out of that hole. right now, standing at a place where i have climbed out, even though i fall in sometimes.. i try to see why God gave me such a hard time. but God gave me a hard time because he loves me. and i’m so glad he gave me that struggle to handle with. because of that struggle i went through and what i have learned, i got closer to him. he shows and makes me feel his love more often these days. if he didn’t i would be thinking that the Christian life everybody lives would be this easy. but God never said christian life is easy. and i see why now. so entering “teenage life” isn’t easy after all. but i’m not done. i’m still walking the path of the “teenage life.” and i believe God will be with me all the time when i fall again while i walk through that path, because he was when i was in hunger for his hands, he picked me up and he has brought me up when i was in need. God really does truely love me. he really does. God is good. He is so good.

 

now almost 4 years later.. haha funny how things change.

thanksgiving

happy thanksgiving.

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Amy The Humanitarian.

This was for my English project, and I really ruminated on this.
Thought it’d be a good blog.

I said that there are many dream jobs I would like to have, and one of them is to become a CEO. I don’t know much about a CEO as a 16 year old, but I know for sure that means A LOT of money. There are so many things I’d like to do with colossal amount of money.  Of course I’d spend it on shopping, but also I would help the ones that touch and break my heart the most. My heart tears for children in poverty, for each child who is dying every 3.5 seconds¹.  My heart goes out especially to the children in the “sealed universe”² – North Korea.  I don’t have a major reason why, I just felt great compassion for them when I did a research on poverty in 9^th grade. Maybe it’s just because I’m Korean-American. It’s bizarre to just even hear about what North Koreans suffer through. It’s impossible to not to give any attention to the unfortunate children in North Korea. So, this is my plan: I am going to become a CEO and earn a lot of money. Then, first, I want to go visit North Korea and see everything I heard with my own eyes. It’s not that I don’t believe in everything I heard, but I think when I see them, it’ll hit me harder and increase my compassion for the children.  Second, I will hire or gather people who are willing to go with me to Underground Railroad in North Korea to help North Koreans families escape to China. Third, I will send airplanes to have some refugees fly over to America. Then I will house, feed, and clothe every men, women, and children. I will hire lawyers so all the refugees can become legal. After that, children will be able to go to public school. I will also hire psychologists who can help the refugees be set free to some extent from the ridiculous trauma. The North Koreans do not deserve any kind of treatment they receive what so ever. And if I was able to do everything I listed, that would truly be a HUGE MIRACLE.

& oh, if anybody read my last entry — scratchh!
i meant to set it private haha

ugh. feel like like crap.
things are pissing me off.
i am going to try to stop thinking too much. it’s making me stress.
i am going to try to ignore and push out all the stress. it’s making everything worse.
 today’s the 24th. i am going to start working out (again, forreal) and lose atleast 10 lbs by my birthday.

5′3″ -> 5′7″ ?!

so few days from now will be a year since it happened.

i think i’m a better person.
not trying to fake things.
and even if i am,
i’m not ready to scratch it down to the surface.
so i just tell myself,
everything is alright.
everything will be alright.

 

I really really really want to grow!! I didn’t think I was THIS short. I thought I was somewhat on the tall side… I guess not.

from WikiHow: 

1. Sleep 8 to 10 hours a day. Most of your growing takes place while sleeping, because that’s when most HGH is released. Not getting enough hours of sleep will stunt your growth.

whatever HGH is, it’s not being released enough in me! so I am going to go to sleep at 10PM at the latest everyday and wake up at 5AM .. which is… 7 hours.. ah, good enough right? i need to let those HGH work so I can grow!

& in a minute, its 10pm. so i’m going to go to sleep.
g’night, let the HGH get released!

beach? texas?

i’ve been having weird dreams where its continued night to night… its like a little drama i’m in.
It first starts out that I was supposed to go to Texas on an airplane and it continues on and on.. and it seems so real until yesterday I realized thats not happening and was never part of the plan.
and Yesterday I had a dream that was continued … that we were actually supposed to go to the beach….
I really must want to get away…

I don’t know why I feel like this… but things suck. I wish I could do better. I want to strive for my best. The best I can everreverrr. I want to be the best. I want to settle for the best.

& friendships. I hate it.

i just wish to be free.

JUN11ORSS :D

2 weeks into 11th grade, going on to 3rd week…

haha how dumb of me to assume junior year wasn’t gon be hard only by the first week. there is a bigg difference in workload from last year. Probably because I’m taking harder classes than last year. I took some joke classes last year.

I’ve got some cheeeeeeeel teachers though. And I’m so thankful I have atleast one person I know in every class. I never had that so I always had to make new friends… I think dawn said this… i’d like to focus more on studying than making new friends this year .. I think she said that. That’s so true for me right now cus its so much hw&studying I don’t want to give in so much time to try to make newfriends & fit in & all those stuff… not that I don’t enjoy making new friends it’s just for now… & It’s even better that my bestie from school is in two of my classes

I’m still adjusting to this year - i mean yeah, it’s only the third week.. (starting tom! .. mondaaayyy noo ) so Im just going along with what comes in my way but it’s hard to adjust to. Not just workload.. but everything. I’m learning about friendship ONCE AGAIN.. just re-thinking & evaluating friendships… did i ever mention how much i don’t like the word friendship?! so frustrating. but of course there are many times i love it too. can’t hate it or love it. i’ve said that million times, but it’s so true.

my schedule… HAHA.. so yea its great that i have friends in all my classes, but its filled with.. how do i put this.. ee sang han kids. it’s annoying at times, but i guess that’s just how my schedule is. the class i was so hyped for.. its the most eesanghan class. I was so disappointed the first day but I’m getting used to it now, it’s real fun remembering all the theory stuff I forgot about. I just block out the eesanghan part out of the way.
Precalc&physics are the classes thats pretty hard right now! those classes have super smart kids so I have to stepup my game. Others are pretty chill. I’m considering finance class? eh, probably not.

and oh, i’ve been researching on jaebum incident ever since i heard about it first day of school. it’s so sad.. and of course i’ve been always updating myself on 2ne1. 2ne1’s full album drops in october! I really really blame this girl for getting me hooked on kpop. Everyday I’m always saying to myself.. why am I listening to these songs i’ve always considered annoying? like snsd. and 4minute.
& oh I can’t wait for Amerie’s new album to come out toooooo

& I’m starting to see the results of the odpc class nights we’ve been having. I can’t exactly say that we are all tight&close… it’s just we know that we are a class together as one.  that makes me happy

i’m just writing out random things thats just in my head right now.

 

you know.. apart from school.. everythings pretty sick right now. i was super happy this week because.. I just hope good things keep happening from now on (although I know its not guaranteed, I can still keep in my happiness and hope&imagine, right?)

i should be pretty busy & somewhat stressed? next few months….(haha i realize i am only 16 and there is so much more to come.. but i am only 16. there’s a certain limit a 16 yearold can take.haha.)  … but,

i’m a survivor, and i’ll still be here even in my years to come.

i LOVE the shoes (:

excitement+fear=confusion.

In less than 12 hours I’ll be getting ready for school. Omg. school. like I’m gon be a junior! ~!~*~

My schedules pretty tight. I feel that it’s a very[?] big challenge for me taking all these challenging classes… but part of me wants to be challenged. I want to be busy and test myself to the limit.. summer.. was nice and relaxing doing nothing and that is the whole point of summer.. having fun doing nothing, right? but now, i feel like i want to busy myself and keep myself occupied. although i don’t know if i’m ready for it…
I am excited because i love my schedule, [although i hear i have some harrrdccore teachers.. ]and i hope it meets my expectations tomorrow esp. 7th period! i’m excited for ap music theory! i sound retarded, but that one class really makes me excited. okay, i don’t know about ‘really excited’ but somewhat excited for school.
At the same time, I’m worried. I am afraid and dreading this year. because it’s ‘junior year’ and everythings tough and hard? nahhhh, i have my own reasons.. i’m just afraid.. and i hope i get through this year well.. all i can do is have hope that i will survive instead of having a mindset it will happen, that i will get to the point that i am so afraid to be at.. i’d rather have positive thoughts..pretty hard to do. I just really really desperately hope i won’t get to that point.
So honestly, i don’t know how i feel. I am confused. I’m excited yet afraid. Oh dear god please… I really really need help.
once again, i have committed myself to want, and i hope that want will keep me in check, accountable. because i will very much need it.
please pray for me. i really need them prayers.

man i really can’t anaylze my emotions right now, but i just hope tomrrow’s a goodday!

I really can’t believe i’m in 11th grade. I SWEARRR 7th grade was like 2 year ago.. but its been 5.. hoolyy.
there were so much i wanted to do by the time i got to this age… but its okay, keep your head up amy, you still have so much coming for you! you can do itttt!

i’m going to study my ass off this first quarter. fighting!

 

 

 

& omg i can’t wait for glee to premiere on WEDNESDAAAYYY
& i still love 2ne1 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 madd respect for them!
& the weathers gon be so sucky tomorrow boo for bad weathers on firstday of school.